death and loss

Dear Young Spiritual Seeker,

You asked me in your last letter, “should I fear death?” I cannot ask that question for you, you have to find out the answer to that questions by living and dying.

I will not quote spiritual books to you or speak in terms of academic theology, I will speak from my own truth simple and plain. I do not know what lies after death. However, I do know that our life here is but a blink of an eye; human beings are but children to ancient trees or wise old turtle. Everything no matter how long it lives, will eventually die.

I am not a Buddhist, yet the wisdom of the Buddha’s words rings true, everything is impermanent. And yet, the impermanence of life does not render life meaningless, but each moment is precious and an opportunity to be present.

So my friend, we who live in a culture that denies death, we can be countercultural and embrace the truth of death and impermanence. Also, it does not mean our embracing the truth of impermanence will make our grief any less, when we say goodbye to someone we love due to death. Saying goodbye to a life is always hard, otherwise we would not be human, and yet it does not mean we have to wallow in sadness in pain.

My young friend, live now, so you have fully lived when it is your time to welcome death. For death is the great unknown, when we know not when it will knock at our door. Sit, breathe and inquire with curiosity your fear and find what lies underneath.

It is a joy to be your friend and companion on this journey of seeking and discovering. Be well.

Your fiend on the path.

Poem: Life and Death

Each mine is precious and
never the same.

Each moment is a gift, and
yet I squander my moments away.

Poem: Sadness and Grief

I am grateful to have known you,
even if I had to say goodbye.

I loved our walks,
even when you forgot our conversations.

I am sad, but also filled with gratitude.

End of Life

In the last few  years, I have walked with lots of people and their families through the journey of grief and loss as a chaplain. Death like birth can be a painful yet a very sacred moment.

I am currently home visiting my parents, and now I get to journey with my father as he journeys towards death. In the past year, my father discovered his kidneys have significantly being effected by his blood pressure medicine. In April of this year, my father’s kidney function was at 15% and he had a tremendous health scare before seeing a specialist at Duke hospital. Despite some critical changes to his meds, my father’s kidneys have continued to deteriorate: November it was at 12% and currently, my father’s kidneys are at 9% function.

The sadness is intensified by the fact that my father has chosen not to pursue medical measures like dialysis or seeking to get a kidney transplant. My father is a minister and he has told me that he is ready if it be God’s will. I respect my father’s choice and decision, but it still makes me deeply sad. I am not quite ready to let my father go…but it’s out of my control.

I have chosen to be with my parents the best I can and try to support my mom and dad. It feels different to navigate hospice as a son, even though I have helped many others navigate through the process of dying as a chaplain.

I usually have not been this vulnerable and personal on this blog, but I think I will continue to share my journey with accompanying my father through end of life and journeying with my mother as she goes through the process of grief. I don’t know if anyone is reading, but I need to write so the sadness does not swallow me whole.

I offer this prayer for both my family and all those journeying with someone as they approach end of life, and as they journey through the pain of it all:

Divine Creator,

May you bless this moment with all its pain, sadness, laughter and joy.

May we remember that each moment is sacred. May Your loving hold each one of us as we journey together to the unknown. Help us to walk with our loved one, and may You hold us in Your Light as we say goodbye and they journey home to You.

Thank you for the gift of Your love, the gift of family, and the gift of this very moment.

Poem: Eulogy

I don’t need words to eulogize,
your life and actions speak for themselves.
I will miss your laughter, your smile,
and your melodic baritone voice.
May we meet again, God willing,
at the big meeting in the sky.

---

Written for my friend that died yesterday of pancreatic cancer.

Meditation Poem Series: #32

I had a Christmas Eve miracle, I woke up before my daughter this morning. I was able to sit for 15 minutes while she slept, I could hear the rising and falling of her breath. I am grateful for this morning and being able to sit, and be present to life.

After my morning meditation, we were able to have breakfast. We had a small service for my brother and sister’s baby girl Abigail, who died around 3 months of pregnancy. We buried her ashes in the back yard, and my father offered grave site liturgy from the Methodist Book of Worship and I offered some prayers and a blessing. Grateful I can be present to all of life with the people I love.

Meditation Poem #32
life and death
united in one breath
infinite love flows

Poem: Candle Light

light a candle for those who died
remembering each moment