some days I long for endless sleep
life feels like a dream I cannot awake from
most days it is pleasant, but some days a nightmare
reality feels more like a dream than when i am asleep
when world events feel surreal
and i just want check out
but instead of running away or going into deep sleep
i awaken my heart through compassion
i keep return to my meditation
and go within to the seat of my heart
so i may awaken the boddhisattva within me
boddhisattva of the ages has vowed
to ease the suffering of others.
i am no saint, yet just for today,
i vow to freely share what has
been freely given to me.
may all beings be happy.
may all beings be at ease.
may all beings be free of suffering.
i know i am not the only one that feels this way,
but i am done with this pandemic.
i am done being surrounded by death,
i am done being surrounded by loss.
grief is so thick in the air,
and part of me wants to run away.
i want to run into something, anything that
is better than the reality of this pain.
and yet i remain, my practices have taught me
to breathe and sit with my pain.
i settle into my meditation cushion,
and i rage at the
loss of friendships,
loss of jobs, and
loss of possibilities yet to be.
my heart aches and yearns for a reality that
is only in my mind.
i sit with my suffering.
i sit with the loss and
accept that death is part of life,
and yet i rage inside and say
“this shit ain’t normal.”
But what can i do?
i am just a laid off chaplain seeking
i got the pandemic blues.
But shit, i ain’t hopeless.
i will bear my suffering,
and walk through it
like a fearless boddhisattva
to embrace life and death