Little Losses

Sadness is part of life. However, there’s a strange reality of life during pandemic is that I have continued to go on without acknowledging all the cumulative losses.

Since March of 2020, I have experienced being laid off, being rehired 3 months later, moving during the pandemic, and loss of physical support systems. Things I have gained are a lot of zoom friends, online support, new passion/hobby, and a dog.

In the beginning, there a lot of anxiety but also the excitement of the unknown. Fast forward almost two years later, two vaccine shots and a booster shot later, I have endured a slow loss of the life I had known before. Many nights are spent at my home with my dog, and I have slowly embraced my solitude. However, some days a deep sadness and loneliness sets in, where I do not know what to do with. I am struggling to breathe and practice with what is. I sometime waiver and want to feel the void with yet another relationship that is wrong for me. How do I commit, communicate, and cultivate loving friendships and relationships? So far I haven’t discovered an answer, I am trying to live into the answer the best I can.

Poem: Sadness and Grief

I am grateful to have known you,
even if I had to say goodbye.

I loved our walks,
even when you forgot our conversations.

I am sad, but also filled with gratitude.

Poem: Candle Light

light a candle for those who died
remembering each moment

A Poem for Joy

each moment with you
awakens in me 
new profound joy 

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I wrote this poem thinking about my daughter. This past few years have been difficult, but I am extremely grateful to have come through separation and divorce without loosing my appreciation for joy. I would rather have my daughter grow up in two happy households, and then one filled with bitterness and silence.

Each person’s journey is different, and mine is definitely not the one I thought I signed up for, but it’s the one I got in order to grow; I can either embrace it with gratitude, or try to run filled with fear and hate. I choose the first option on a daily basis, and some days I fail miserably. Each day is an opportunity to learn from my mistakes and grow.

My daughter has been a great teacher on how to embrace each momemt, and open my heart to each moment of joy, sadness, beauty, and simply be. 

I wouldn’t have experienced moments like this without my daughter in my life. Experiencing a zoo through a child’s eyes is magical, and one that makes my heart full. I am so grateful I was able to share this moment with my daughter, my mother, and of course a giraffe named Jack. Each day is an adventure. 😉

A Letter about Grief

Dear Friend,

I have no words…I wish I could simply hug you and hold you. But you asked me for words to help you through your grief and loss, so I will try to put into words what has been helpful to me.

I speak to you not as a chaplain, pastor, but simply as a human to a human…heart to heart.

Giref has no rhyme or reason. If someone tells you what stage of grief you should be on politely ask them to go away before you punch them in the face. 🙂 Just kidding. 

One of the hardest things for me has been to simply give myself to the process, and not try to control or judge myself as I am going through the grief and loss process. Some days I want to cry, laugh, punch a heavy bag of all of the above. No one knows how to feel except you, so let your own heart be the guide.

Sometimes you’ll feel like God has abandoned you, but God is so close. I’m not sure what it’ll b like for you, but remember you are not alone. Let the people that love you love on you and let them if they need to simply sit and hold your hand.

A lot of people suggested I write to process my grief, but there are days that all I could do was sit, breathe and blankly stare at the wall. Other times I wanted to scream, and once or twice words poured out of me. 

I will hold you in the Light as always.
Love and Love,
Your Friend on this Journey