social distancing sounds cool, but for those who struggle with disconnection
fear of connection leaves them longing to break out of prison of their own minds
I have seen 4 friends die this past year to drug related causes, and one friend died because his lungs failed him by the dreaded Covid-19
when I was 19 I didn’t have a care in the world, and now I am paralyzed by unseen enemy that lurks in the air
yet life goes on. vaxxed and boostered, I muster up the courage to face crowds masked and sometimes unmasked.
with my trusty dog, I brave the cold and walk into the unknown.
still somedays I just want to cry, but also give thanks that I have not died. I am still here left standing, when so many have fade away.
I keep walking the path, even though I know not where it will lead…
i know i am not the only one that feels this way,
but i am done with this pandemic.
i am done being surrounded by death,
i am done being surrounded by loss.
grief is so thick in the air,
and part of me wants to run away.
i want to run into something, anything that
is better than the reality of this pain.
and yet i remain, my practices have taught me
to breathe and sit with my pain.
i settle into my meditation cushion,
and i rage at the
loss of friendships,
loss of jobs, and
loss of possibilities yet to be.
my heart aches and yearns for a reality that
is only in my mind.
i sit with my suffering.
i sit with the loss and
accept that death is part of life,
and yet i rage inside and say
“this shit ain’t normal.”
But what can i do?
i am just a laid off chaplain seeking
i got the pandemic blues.
But shit, i ain’t hopeless.
i will bear my suffering,
and walk through it
like a fearless boddhisattva
to embrace life and death